I just heard this song for the first time, and it spoke to alot of the feelings that I’ve been having lately.  Amazing how God knows everything, and times all his interventions perfectly, isn’t it?

You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it’s hopeless

Maybe you’re the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you’re the girl,
Thinking you’ll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, what everybody’s asking

Chorus

You’re worth it, you can’t earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you’re sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can’t you see you’re something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you’re not just some wandering soul
That can’t be seen and can’t be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You’re someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for

I am not worthy of the love I’ve been given, I am not worthy of the God you are.

I am not worthy of the things you have done for me, I am not worthy to be your child.

It’s only by your love that I’ve been forgiven.

It’s only by the cross that I have been saved.

It’s only by your grace that I’ve been accepted.

It’s only by your word that I’m called your child.

I am not worthy of the love I’ve been given, I am not worthy of the God you are.

I am not worthy of the things you have done for me, I am not worthy to be your child.

I’m only here because you’ve placed me,

I only learn because you teach me.

I’m only seen because you see me,

I’m only loved because of you.

I am not worthy of the love I’ve been given, I am not worthy of the God you are.

I am not worthy of the things you have done for me, I am not worthy to be your child.

Lord, you have made me worthy, you have shown me love.

You have given me mercy, your grace, and your love.

You’ve forgiven all my sins, washed me white as snow.

You have opened up the gates so that I may come in.

You’ve made me worthy of the love I’ve been given, You’ve made me worthy of the God you are.

You’ve made me worthy of the things you have done for me,I am amazed to be called your child.

I am so thankful to be called your child.

A friend reminded me today that four months from the day we begin the semester, we graduate.  It seems like just yesterday I was a freshman, looking up to the upperclassmen and trying to make friends.  I now find myself sipping tea, on the verge of beginning my last semester of my senior year.  I can’t count the number of friends I’ve made over the past four years, nor can I name every way in which they have changed my life.  But the fact remains that they have, in more ways than one, for good or for ill, changed my life.  I don’t even know all of the ways in which my friends have shaped me right now.  Some things will only be known in time.

I can’t even begin to tell you the way in which the people in my church have opened my eyes, challenged my thinking, or encouraged me when I needed it most.  A particular instance that comes to mind is when I was getting ready to give my chapel address.  I had asked the student leadership team for college ministry at church to pray about it for me, and elaborated little more than to say that I was speaking.  One of the students in the group is a friend of mine at school, and the night before I was supposed to speak, I received an email.  It simply said this: “Good luck speaking tomorrow. I know you’ll do great! I’ll be praying for you.”  A simple gesture that meant so much at a time when I needed it very much.

When I gave my testimony in church over the summer, many people who already knew part of my story encouraged me and prayed for me.  And afterwards, even more people encouraged me.  I have found the love of Christ poured out through people in my church, in my classes, in the workplace, and elsewhere.  I have been so blessed to be here for four years, and to be able to finish my time here successfully.

These friends I’ve made, these people who have changed my life, will always be a part of it even after I leave this place.  The memories I’ve made here and the things I’ve learned will stay with me, and I know that these friends I have are friends forever.

Here and now I will relish the time that I have been given and I will enjoy the people and circumstances that God has placed before me.  In the ending of this chapter, I’ll keep trusting Him and His plan for my life.  And I will be forever grateful for my friends.

Senior, Spring 2012

It isn’t often that I’m really honest about this stuff, but I guess I’m feeling pretty … down and needing to say some of this right now.

Every girl wants to hear from a guy (one that’s not their dad) that they are beautiful and that they are loved.  I know that when I look in the mirror, I don’t see beautiful or pretty or worth something.  It’s unfortunate that I need to hear those things sometimes, and that I put any store in that.  But I’m human, can you blame me?  I know that God has made me who I am and I accept that.  I live each day knowing that there are things about myself and my life that I wish were different, but I can’t change many things.  I was made for a purpose, and I’ll live out that purpose to the best of my ability.

But this world has poisoned my mind to think that I need to be accepted and that I need to be beautiful to the world.  I don’t feel beautiful ever.  After the things that I’ve been told by boys and the jokes that are paid at my expense, it’s really difficult for me to see myself as anything but what their words described – worthless because I’m going to die young, not as pretty as his last girlfriend, not worth his time, not good enough.  I know I shouldn’t take stock in these words, nor set any store by them, but they play over and over in my head, reminding me that I’m not good enough and that I probably will never be.

I hear all the time that it’s okay, that the right guy will come along, blah, blah, blah.  But I’m starting to wonder.  It’s not that I doubt God’s plan for my life, perhaps I’m doubting his timing, which is not for me to do.  I need to patiently wait for whatever comes, but for the time being I need to see what He sees.  That’s so darn hard.  You know the saying that words don’t hurt?  They do, and you know what else they do?  Stick.

Lord help me to see myself as you see me.  And help me to patiently wait for your time.

Psalm 150

¹ Praise the LORD.

Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
² Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
³ Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
⁴ praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
⁵ praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.

⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.  His love endures forever.  In everything I do, in everything I say, I pray that the LORD is praised.  I am so thankful for all he has done in my life, and for all that I have experienced.  He truly is good, all the time, and his love endures forever.

It’s difficult to be honest with one person, even more so with a group of nearly 300 people.  It’s hard to be vulnerable with one person, even more so with a group of nearly 300 people.  And that’s just what God asked me to do tonight.

I shared my story with professors, chapel and worship directors, my friends and my peers tonight, and let me tell you – it was probably one of the hardest things I have done, but easily one of the most important things I have done as well.  I hope that people were able to see my honesty and my vulnerability tonight, and that they walked away with hope and encouragement for their own situations and problems.  I hope that God was able to speak to people through my words tonight and that they were touched by what He has done in my life.

There’s no doubt in my mind that some people will now treat me differently, but from most of the reactions I saw tonight, I think many people won’t.  I saw friends riveted to the words I was speaking, I saw the shock in people’s eyes when they heard some of the things I said.  I heard the applause when I thanked my sister for being so awesome and for being there for me in the ups and in the downs.  I heard the response when I said, “God is good.”  I heard the room start to quiet when I began asking questions specific to many people’s circumstances.  I felt the prayers of my friends lifting me up as I spoke.  I saw good friends cry.  I cried.  I heard the response in people’s voice when the band played “In Christ Alone.”  I heard from so many people the encouragement to keep telling my story and to let Christ keep shining through my life.  I’ve also been hugged so many times, and have appreciated every one.  🙂

I’ve begun to think that this chapel speech was more for me than for the people I was speaking to.  Perhaps this was God’s way of showing me that I shouldn’t be silent, and that I should use my story for his glory.  Perhaps this was God’s way of telling me that it’s never going to be easy to share my story with people, but that I should keep sharing it all the same.  Maybe this is also the way that God is showing me again how much I need friends like Rachael, Lydia, Bria, Brandon, Ariel, Molly, Jen, Hannah, Helen, Ian, Kerry, Laura, Brenna, Ruth, Roland, Jared, Dr. Tshudy, Dr. Boyd, Katie, my swim team, and so many others.  Thank you to all of you, whether you read this or not, for being those people I can lean on and share with and care for.  You all mean so much to me, and I’m so glad that God has brought you into my life.  May God bless you as you continue to shine his light through your lives.

If you want the text of what I said tonight, feel free to let me know, and I’ll send it your way.  But for now, Thanks be to God, who is made perfect in our weakness and whose power is evident in my life.

“Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God”

– Third Day, Mountain of God

There are many songs that ring true in my life, and this one hit me yesterday thanks to a friend posting it as their facebook status.  It seems like, right now, that the battle is all uphill and that I’m trying to fight my way out of the valley.  I feel like I’m reaching for footholds that aren’t there and desperately trying to grip hand holds that don’t exist.  I keep sliding back down, only to get back up again and keep reaching and trying to grab hold of something.  I can see His hand reaching out to help me, but instead of reaching down and pulling me up and out of the valley, He slides down into the valley and begins to climb with me.  Every time I fall He patiently waits for me to come back to where He is, and He smiles at me encouragingly.  “Take my hand,” He says.  I do, and He helps me inch up the wall a little bit farther.  It’s slow going, and the journey is long and hard.  But He is with me the entire way.

I find a good foothold and begin to climb faster.  To my right I see things that begin to distract me – people and things of this world.  I start climbing more towards them, rather than up to the light to get out of the valley, and it’s easy.  It’s easy to get to them and to find places to plant my feet.  Eventually, I look back, and there He is, carrying a cross with him up the valley wall, patiently waiting and calling for me to come back to Him.  After pulling myself away from the things of this world that I held so closely, I venture back to Jesus.  It’s a harder journey than before, with less places to put my feet and to hold on to with my hands.  “Take my hand,” He says again.  “Let me carry you.”

As we continue our journey out of the valley, Jesus explains to me that the things I was distracted by were there to help me if I used them in the right way.  People, He explained, can both help and hurt us.  They can build us up and tear us down.  And so, He told me that I needed to be able to discern those people who would help me from those who would hurt me.  He also told me that I needed to find people to help, that that was part of my mission too.  “But Jesus,” I said, “How can I help people?  Look at me, so frail and broken, so weak and used, so lonely and vulnerable, so sick and sore.”

“My child,” He said, “You are frail and broken, weak and used, lonely and vulnerable, sick and sore, but I allowed these things to happen so that you could glorify my name.  When people see what you do, and hear your story, they are changed.  When people see your life and the way that you live it, they are changed.  I want your life to point to me, and my power to be made perfect in your weakness.  Yes, it grieves me to watch  you suffer but it is your suffering that makes you stronger.  Even though the journey is long, and the road is hard, I go before you, and you must go through these valleys to stand upon my mountain.  I will call you home someday, and you will delight in my love forever.  You will come into my courts with praise and thanksgiving, into a place where there is no more pain, no more suffering, and no more death.  I look forward to that day, but until then, let’s continue this journey together.  I will never leave you nor forsake you, my child.  I love you.”

Jesus, all for Jesus.  All I am, and have, and ever hope to be.  All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans, I surrender these into your hands.  For it’s only in your will that I am free.  Jesus, all for Jesus.   All I am, and have, and ever hope to be.

Ever since the worship team practiced this song on Saturday, it’s been stuck in my head.  We practiced after the funeral, and so I wasn’t exactly feeling like praising God, or thinking about what had happened.  We came to this song, and the words hit me with a new meaning.  I can’t hold on to anything.  I’ve got to give it ALL to Jesus.  Everything that I hope to do or hope to be, all that I have planned and scheduled – I have to place it ALL in His hands.  It’s hard to surrender control, especially for me, who likes to have all her ducks in a row and to know what’s coming next.  But I am called, not only to give it ALL to Jesus, but to follow him ALL my days, to love him with ALL of my heart, ALL of my soul, ALL of my strength, and ALL of my mind.  In return, Jesus paid it ALL on the cross and offered me life.  I owe it to him to give him ALL of my life and to serve him ALL of my days and to praise him ALL the days he gives me.

I’m not saying it’s easy to give your life to God, or to follow him daily.  I’m not saying that I’m perfect at it, because I’m not.  But that’s my goal: to trust him with everything  – my life, my problems, my joys, and my sorrows, my future and my present, my past and my mistakes, and so much more.  I can’t live this life on my own, and I can’t live it pretending that I can either.  I’ve got to lean on God, and I’ve got to surrender my life to him.  I want to give him ALL of my life, every day that he places me here for.  Lord, to you I surrender, to you I give everything.  All of my ambitions, hopes and plans, I surrender these into your hands.  All I am and have, and ever hope to be.

It’s funny how certain songs hit home at different times in our lives.  As I grieve the loss of a friend, try to dig myself out of work neck-high, try to balance all the different facets of my life, try to do the best thing for a friend, and figure out post-college life, this song hits me and reminds me that God knows what He’s doing, He has a plan.  It’s probably not the plan that I have, in fact, it rarely is.  But, all the while, He hears, and asks us to simply have faith.  There are times (at least there have been in my life) when His blessings really do come through raindrops, and when tears really do bring healing.  That doesn’t mean that it’s easy to withstand the trials that are placed in our lives for reasons unknown.  It doesn’t mean that it’s easy to watch friends suffer, or to figure out the best way to help a friend.  It doesn’t mean that life is easy.

As difficult as it is to see a friend pass away, it is good to know that she is in a better place, and that she is no longer suffering.  As hard as it is to try to dig myself out of this workload, I realize that I can’t do it alone.  As I try to balance everything, I realize that God has a plan for the busyness and the craziness and the sheer pandemonium that seems to be my life sometimes.  As I try to do the best thing for a friend, I know that it’s not what I think is best, but what He has planned that I need to hear and act upon.  As I look to figure out what comes next, I know God will direct my steps.  I know He’s got a plan; I just can’t see it yet.  And sometimes, His blessings do come through raindrops and His healing through tears.  Sometimes these trials are His mercies in disguise.

Blessings, Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Three years have come and gone in the blink of an eye.  I began college as a freshman (as I’d imagine most people do), not really knowing or understanding, not seeing or hearing, immature.  In three years I have done things that I never imagined, studied more than I ever thought I could, met more people than I remember, seen how the body of Christ is supposed to function, made friends with unlikely people, picked apples with friends, studied with people I honestly care about, was fortunate enough to learn from the great Dr. Marv Wilson, ran around barefoot at the beach, gone into the ocean on the first nice day in March (it was SO cold!), laughed with friends, cried with friends, sat with friends in the ER, smiled at the ones who came to my hospital room, and so much more.

When I came to Gordon, I felt like this was where I was supposed to be, but I didn’t know why.  Now I do.  It has been such a journey, with ups and downs, twists and turns, hills and valleys, but God has stood by me and picked me up when I fell, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I have learned so much from my classes, from my research, from my friends, and from the Church.  I have been blessed to be here, and to grow here.  Gordon will always have a special place in my life, for it was here that I saw the love of Christ poured out through people into my life.  It was here that my advisor was more than just an academic advisor, but also a friend and mentor.  It was here that learned that I love teaching.  It was here that I saw the body of Christ function as it should.  It was here that I made friendships that will last longer than this year.  It was here that I learned to hear.  It was here that I learned to see.  It was here that I learned that some people will accept me with all the strings attached and here where I learned that it is okay to be single.  It was here I learned how a team should and should not function.  It was here I learned to love and here I learned to live.

There’s so much more that I’ve learned and seen and done and heard that I can’t put into words.  But it doesn’t end here.  I have more to learn, more to do, more to see, more to love, more to hear, more to understand.  God isn’t finished with me yet.  And so, as I begin my senior year, I want to learn, I want to live, I want to love, I want to grow, I want to sing his praises in everything, I want to understand, I want to learn more.  I want to keep going on this journey that God has started taking me on, and I want to see where it’s going to go next.  And whatever I do, whether in word, or deed, I want to do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.  (Colossians 3:17)