I’ve successfully packed my life into a UHAUL (with my dad’s and brother’s help) and moved to an apartment in Michigan (with my whole family’s help). Earlier today I said goodbye to my family and found myself truly alone. A nice feeling at times, but also a little lonely. There’s no one here I know yet, although I know that will come once orientation starts and school gets into full swing. I also know I’ll have zero time to do anything but school once school starts.
I’m glad to be living on my own, though admittedly I’ve had the TV on since my family left so that it feels like there’s some other life here besides Annabeth, my fish. I’m really excited to be starting this new journey and entering into a whole new world, and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me here in Michigan. Prayers appreciated as I walk this road. 🙂
Praising you God
In the good times, I fall on my knees
Saying thank you, God!
Praising you God
In the bad times, I fall on my knees
Saying thank you, God!
Asking why me, God?
Yet still praising you God
You are God still, no matter what comes my way
You’ve been with me every step, every breath, every day
You’re still with me, you hold my life in your hands
And I’ll praise you every day in every situation
When a child comes to You, I fall on my knees
Saying thank you God!
Praising you God
In the midst of others’ happiness, I fall on my knees
Saying thank you God,
Asking why not me, God?
Yet still praising you God
You are God still, no matter what comes my way
You’ve been with me every step, every breath, every day
You’re still with me, you hold my life in your hands
And I’ll praise you every day in every situation
Though I sometimes feel alone, like no one knows I’m here
Help me, God, to praise you in every, every situation
I know you have a plan for me
So help me, God, to wait for your time and praise you still
You are God still, no matter what comes my way
You’ve been with me every step, every breath, every day
You’re still with me, you hold my life in your hands
And I’ll praise you every day in every situation
Pictures From China/Hong Kong
- At Zhengjiajie
- Zhengjiajie
First of many China posts
China: where farming and rice paddies are laden on every hillside; where Christians are persecuted for their faith in some areas and communism has heavily influenced the society; where oriental dress is common and education and family are extraordinarily important; where there are cities to rival any in the United States; where tea was stolen by Fortune; where the 2008 Olympics were held; and where many of my friends in school are from. To many people, China is a far off and distant place filled with rolling hills and rice paddies as far as the eye can see, a country where communism has taken hold, and the place where everything we buy is made. Many people do not see the real China: cities to rival those in the United States, the appeal of communism to many people, the work of the registered and unregistered church, the Western influence, the Buddhist temples and Christian churches, and so much more. The vision that many Westerners have of China is from books and movies that show the countryside but not the city, the bad things of communism but not its appeal to many people, and the persecution of the church rather than the registered and unregistered church system. The China that I saw was quite different than I what was expecting. I was not expecting large cities heavily influenced by the West, overtly Christian churches and ministries in Hong Kong, social welfare run by the church in Mainland China, or the influence communism still has on both Hong Kong and Mainland China.
One of the first things that struck me after we landed in the Hong Kong International Airport was the size. Hong Kong is huge, with buildings so tall they are almost hidden by the low lying clouds, bus and subway systems so extensive they span nearly the entire city moving millions of people every day, clusters of government housing buildings 30 or 40 stories high, and commercial businesses and banks everywhere. There was very little open space, no rice paddy to be seen for miles, and almost everyone was dressed in a Western style. There were no women in long traditional gowns with painted faces and fans, no men in traditional dress or military garb. The Western influence in clothing is astonishing, yet why should it be? Nearly all the clothes we wear are made in China: why should the Chinese people not wear them too?
As we traveled through the city for the first time, there were some things that were quite obviously different from our Western culture. The traffic in Hong Kong drives on the left side of the road, for example. It’s quite unnerving to go through a traffic circle (or rotary, as we call them) backwards! There is a large population in Hong Kong (over 7 million people), but there are not very many cars on the roads. In fact, most people do not even own a car because you can get wherever you want to go by the mass transit system – by bus or by subway. This mass transit system is one of the best in the world, if not simply for the fact that it moves millions of people every day.
If it’s not clear from what you see around you that you are in a different place, all you have to do is listen. Listen to the people speaking around you. In Hong Kong, nearly everything is in two or three languages – the signs, the subway stops, the menus in restaurants – first in Cantonese, then Mandarin, then English. Occasionally there will only be Cantonese and English, but many times all three languages will be listed. Listening to the people around you on the subway or on the street, you’d be deaf if you didn’t notice that they speak quite differently than we do. Cantonese and Mandarin are tonal languages, and so the expression of the word is as important if not more important than the word itself. A high falling sound and a low climbing sound of the same word can have quite different meanings, which renders Cantonese and Mandarin quite different from English. Many English speakers can pick up a few words in French or in Spanish, but not in Cantonese or Mandarin. The language sounds so different that any non-native speaker has a lot of difficulty with communication.
Hong Kong is much more Western in clothing, appearance, and feel than Mainland China. On our train ride to and from mainland China and Hong Kong, we saw what many people believe is China: rice paddies and rolling hills as far as the eye can see, men and women working in the rice fields in traditional hats and less Western clothing, dirt roads rather than paved highways, and small villages rather than large cities. The city we visited was a large city, with towering buildings and cranes helping to build more towering buildings, tall apartment complexes and banks, commercial buildings and many little shops on the streets. An initial observation of the city reveals that they drive on the right side of the road on Mainland China, but that the rules of the road are subject to the driver’s feelings. The double yellow line is optional, five cars can fit across the three lanes, and the largest vehicle has the right of way. Cross walks don’t exist; pedestrians cross wherever and whenever they want. Motor bikes can go anywhere they want on the road, including the sidewalks and the wrong side of the road. Needless to say, it is a scary experience driving in China. The people in China are not that different from those in Hong Kong. The Western influence is here too, but not as much. Though many people dress in Western clothing, there are some that dress slightly more traditionally. The spoken and written language in Mainland China, though similar to that of Hong Kong, is a slightly simplified version of Cantonese known as Mandarin. The characters are slightly more lax and there are only five tones instead of seven. There are also many more dialects of Mandarin in Mainland China. Particularly in the mountain regions in Zhangjiajie, the language sounds very different depending on where you are and what minority group you are hearing.
Despite their similarities, China and Hong Kong are very different. Though they are considered one country, there are two systems. The Chinese rule of Hong Kong is one of carefully planned and executed order. China does not want to crack down too hard on Hong Kong are less harsh, lest they create the mood for a rebellion and lose their Western jewel. The orders in Hong Kong come from Beijing, but the people are under less strict rule. Similarly, the people in the minority regions and those who live in the countryside in Mainland China are also under less strict rule. Mainland China still has the one child per family rule, but that rule does not exist in Hong Kong. Even so, it is difficult to enforce in Mainland China in the rural areas in particular. Those in positions of governmental authority or those in government work are watched quite closely and could be in great danger if they disobeyed this or any other rule. Hong Kong has freedom of religion – real freedom of religion. There are overtly Christian ministries and schools, churches meet freely and without fear of persecution. In Mainland China, the situation is slightly different. Though they have freedom of religion, it is freedom within a constraint. There are two types of churches in Mainland China: the registered church and the unregistered church. The unregistered church (also known as house churches or underground churches) are the ones that most people are speaking of when they talk of Christianity in China. These churches are those that are not registered with the government and are at risk of persecution in many parts of Mainland China. The printing of Bibles is legal in China, although many underground churches still ask for missionaries to bring them in. Christianity in China is much different than many people think. There is actually a protestant registered church in China known as the Three-self church. It is registered with the government and operates under certain parameters. The Three-self church is characterized by its self-governing role, self-supporting finances, and self-propagating work.
Much of the work done by missionaries and those of the underground church in China is to fill in the gaps that the government does not in the area of social welfare. While we were in China, we worked with two different organizations that do just that. Both organizations work with groups of people that have been overlooked by the government: terminally ill children and mentally handicapped children and young adults. The work that these organizations do is incredible – from taking care of dying children so that they die loved to providing work and income for those who are mentally handicapped, these organizations are working as the hands and feet of Christ. No child should be left to die on a street corner because they are mentally handicapped, nor should any child be dumped because they are terminally ill or need an expensive operation. These organizations take these children and love them, care for them, and provide for them purely out of the goodness of their hearts and their Christian character.
One of the things that stood out to me was that even in China, where Christians cannot be as overt about their faith, God is working. Through people, through social welfare agencies and through actions, God is being revealed in China and His work is being done. In the West, we have the tendency to talk about our faith but not necessarily live it out in what we do. We know that faith without actions is dead, but many of us in the West don’t live out our faith. In China, they have to live out their faith because they are limited in speaking of it. We would do well to learn from and imitate them in many ways.
I am so glad that I was able to go on this service learning trip with Malone. Though at times the trip was hard – emotionally, physically, and spiritually – it was worth it. I’m grateful that I got to meet so many wonderful people in both Hong Kong and China. I certainly will not soon forget the work that they are doing and the people they are working with. The work that Dave and Cindy are doing with River Grace and all of their other various ministries is incredible, and I pray that they will be able to balance their time and energy as well as look to what God has for them in the future. I am so thankful for Howard and Ave and their kids, Jacinda, Lance, and Trent, and for the work that they have done with MMM and other teams that come to Hong Kong. My prayer is that they are able to go back to New Zealand and to continue to serve in awesome ways there. I am grateful for May and her work with MMM and pray for her transition as Howard leaves and an interim leader takes over. I feel so blessed to have worked with Crossroads, two social service agencies in China, Christian Action, the social services in Hong Kong, the alcohol and drug rehab center and the Graduate School/Seminary. Each of these ministries and people now has a special place in my heart, as does the country of China.
Back in the USA
Back in the US, but not quite on the right time zone yet. I’ll be posting more about the trip in the days to come, along with pictures, but for now, it’s so good to be home!
Hong Kong/China
In less than 12 hours, I’ll be on a plane headed to a whole new adventure. I’ll be in China and Hong Kong for the next two weeks, and I’ll update when possible. Please pray for us as we go!
Bittersweet
The goodbyes have started. Â And this time, I can’t say, “Have a great summer! Â I’ll see you in the fall!” Â This time, there is no denying that this is goodbye. Â
I will miss much, from the choir, praise team, and college ministry and so many others at NSCBC to the life-long friends I’ve made at Gordon, to the coaches I’ve worked with and the kids that I’ve taught, to the departments who have become like family and the underclassmen I can’t wait to see succeed. Â
In talking to many people this week, it seems that it’s hard for me to leave because I’m so invested here. Â In my church, in my jobs, in my department: I didn’t just sit idly by and let life pass me by. Â I got involved. Â And I invested. Â And that makes it harder to leave. Â But, it means that I did something in these last few years and that I’ve grown and matured and changed and loved and lived and hurt and fell and got back up again. Â It means that I cared about people and people cared about me. Â
This was the place where I opened up and told people my story. Â And these are the people that have helped me to see that God has given me a powerful testimony to use for His glory. Â This was the place where I saw God work through a church body and these are the people through whom I was finally able to see myself the way God sees me: beautiful. Â
I’ve struggled for a long time with feelings of not being good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not healthy enough, just plain not enough. Â This isn’t a fix all, I will still struggle with this for the rest of my life. Â But, I’m starting to see glimpses of how God sees me. Â Through people, through music, I have been shown that God doesn’t need whole, perfect people. Â In fact, He prefers broken jars of clay through whom to do His work. Â And to him, those broken pieces are beautiful. Â
Just as I am, you are a beautiful piece of pottery that God has molded and shaped to this very day for His will. Â He has placed you here to do His will, and to flourish. Â If you’re in a place of trial, take hope that the same God who brought you in will bring you out. Â If you’re in a place of transition, take hope that God has a plan for you, even if you can’t see it. Â If you’re unsure of what’s going to happen next, take hope in the unchanging, all-powerful, immortal God who will stand by you no matter what. Â
“Until then, may we face each struggle with the hope that he is working out his salvation in us, looking to the day when all things will be made new and suffering ends.” – Choosing to See, Mary beth Chapman
Defending
Earlier this week, I defended my senior thesis to a group of about 80 students, faculty and staff. Â I’m sure the extra credit for gen chem and the enticement of food helped, but it was absolutely wonderful to see so many people there. Â I loved looking out into the audience and seeing friends, family, professors, and coaches listening to me share what I’ve done over the past few years.
I’ve been so blessed here at Gordon to have a community of friends and family who have supported me over the years and who have taken the time to get to know me and to let me invest in their lives as well. Â I could not have asked for a better four years here at Gordon.
As I begin to close the Gordon chapter of my life, my blog posts will probably center around memories and wonderful things of Gordon. Â For now, I hope that those of you who are graduating this year too are enjoying the last few weeks together, and that you relish every moment. Â For those of you who are continuing your pursuit of a Gordon education, I wish you the best, and I’m excited to see what God has for you in the next few years. Â For those of you continuing work or higher education, I’m praying God continues to use you where you are, and that you continue to see His work in your life.
Whispering lies
Finally, I’m going to be in one place for more than five days. Â After all of the travelling I’ve done this semester, I feel like I haven’t been able to really settle into a routine. Â Perhaps that’s a good thing as I move closer to my impending change of life after graduation. Â I suppose I’ll develop a new normal, but it doesn’t necessarily feel that way right now. Â I also suppose I’ll be able to call somewhere “home” at some point in time, although that seems very far out of reach too.
While we were in San Diego, having a great time with 16,000 other chemists, I had a minor … breakdown, shall we say. Â I realized that I had to make a decision about graduate school and that I needed to make that decision soon. Â After a long day at the conference, we sat down to dinner with one of my professor’s former students, who is a PhD candidate at one of the schools I applied to but have not heard from yet. Â It was after my conversation with her and my professor that I deflated a little bit. Â You see, this school was my first choice of school, and to not hear from them yet…
For a long time when I was applying to grad schools, I didn’t have a first choice, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up and then be let down. Â Now I feel as though I’ve let my professor down as well as myself since I’ve been waitlisted at my first choice. Â And this provided the perfect opportunity for the devil to rear his ugly head and whisper lies into my ears. Â “You can’t do it,” he says. Â “Why did you think you were good enough to get into these schools? Â You’re unprepared, inadequate, unwanted and unloved. Â You’re a failure for not getting in, for getting waitlisted. Â You’re not strong enough to move somewhere on your own and live by yourself. Â You’re still alone because no one wants you, still single because you’re not pretty or cute or fun, you’re not what they want. Â You thought you could do this? Â You can’t.”
I know these lies, I’ve heard them all before. Â I’ve experienced this before, but every time it hurts just as much. Â As much as I don’t want to listen, to hear these lies, I do. Â The devil’s whispers are loud. Â But God’s voice is louder. Â He speaks through people, through circumstances, through music and through science. Â He placed people in the right places at the right times this weekend to allow me to squelch some of the lies of the devil. Â No, it’s not going to be an easy road in the next few weeks, months or years. Â But as always, God is in control, even though it may be hard to see.
As I continue to try to figure out where I’ll be going to school next year, I’d appreciate your prayers for wisdom and discernment.
Decisions
Decisions decisions. Â There’s a lot of these that will be happening in the near future. Â By April 15th, I will know where I am going to school next year, I will know the area in which I will be living, I will know if I have to change healthcare/doctors again, I’ll know if I have to move churches, I will know where I’ll plant my feet for the next five years. Â Regardless of where I end up or what I end up doing, it’s going to be a change. Â I know that. Â Grad school is a whole different beast from undergrad. Â But going there brings more than just school changes.
A new church, new friends, a new state, a new city, a new mass transit system (or lack thereof), a new life.
I’m becoming more and more accustomed to the idea that it’s going to be a hard move, wherever I go. Â I’m so rooted in my church that it’s going to be hard to leave. Â To leave the friends and mentors that I have there, to leave the choir and praise team, the college ministry…it’s going to be hard. Â I’m so involved in my community at school that it’s going to be difficult to leave. Â To leave friends and mentors there, to leave the place I’ve called home for four years, to leave behind my comfort and what I know…it’s going to be difficult. Â I know, though that this is a good thing. Â For it to be hard to leave, I have to have really invested in where I was.
I knew four years ago when I stepped onto Gordon’s campus, that that was where I was supposed to be. Â I didn’t know why, but in hindsight, I see that I was just where he wanted me to be. Â Giving my testimony to my church was a step I wouldn’t have taken somewhere else. Â That opened doors to share my testimony on campus, too, where people had seen me live my life a certain way for three years, and now got to understand why. Â I’ve never felt so accepted and at home as I did immediately following that experience. Â Since then, it’s opened so many conversations with people – with friends and with those I barely knew. Â But God has worked through all of it. Â Joining the choir was the first step to opening up to people outside of my immediate group of friends, and I’ve been so blessed there. Â Joining the college ministry was an extension of wanting to be involved at church but more with people my own age. Â I’ve been truly blessed there as well. Â Tutoring in the chemistry department has brought me to my current career path, and allowed me to serve in ways I never thought I could. Â Going to Poland six years ago is allowing me to branch out and travel to China this summer.
God has been shaping and molding me to the woman he wants me to be over these years, in more ways that I yet know. Â He has been at work in my life and will continue to be at work as I move on in my academic career. Â I have loved of my college years and have been challenged, stretched, grown, loved, pushed away, broken down, picked back up, and pushed forward. Â I am now looking forward to whatever God has for me next.
I do know one thing: Â God will be with me wherever I go, and wherever I go God will be with me.