By Kristen Entwistle
Yesterday was a rough day. This week has been difficult. This month…tough. This year…don’t even get me started. Rough doesn’t even begin to describe it. And yet through all of it, I’ve seen God work – in my life and in others. And He’s taught me a lot, as always. But it certainly has not been an easy road.
Last week, I got to praise team practice, weary, worn, and in need of a friend. As I opened the door to the sanctuary, I heard two friends playing From the Inside Out. It’s a song I’ve known for a long time, but we introduced it to our congregation just a few weeks ago.
The words stopped me in my tracks.
A thousand times I’ve failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
I’m pretty sure that a thousand times is a gross underestimation of how many times I’ve screwed up in my 24 years of life. And yet EVERY time, God picks me up, dusts me off, and puts me right side up again. EVERY time. And His grace truly is enough. Enough for me. Even though I’m not perfect, even though I don’t believe that I am worth anything sometimes, even though I fail, and I fall, even though I am broken and bruised and battered and worn – God still chooses me. He still uses me.
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
I don’t know about you, but sometimes trying to decipher the will of God seems like wading through jello. Jello. But the will of God is still what I strive for above all else. But it’s hard to strive for something that you don’t really understand, don’t get. When the questions pile up, when the struggles seem too hard to bear, when the rain seems never-ending – it’s easier to cry out to God asking, “Why?” than to say, “Your will be done.” But Christ, our example, showed us the way when, in the Garden of Gethsemane, he cried out to the Father, asking Him to take this cup, but ultimately saying, “Your will be done.” So, Father God, Your will be done in my life. No matter how difficult it may be.
In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Perhaps these lines are the ones that really hit me: In my heart, in my soul, I give you control. I like to be able to control things. But I’ve got to let go of the illusion of control because, let’s be honest, if I truly had control of my life, it would be a disaster. Fortunately, Christ is the one in control of my life. But my desire for control is really a measure of my distrust. When I try to take control, I’m saying, “God, I really think I could do this better. I know what I need better than you do. Your will is actually better in my hands. I don’t trust you with this.” But the thing is, I do trust God. Wholeheartedly. With everything. I’m human. I’m going to want control sometimes. I’m going to take it into my own hands and screw it up. But just like the beginning of this song says, A thousand times I’ve failed, still your mercy remains. So I’m letting go of my desire for control. I want the world to see Christ when they see me. Christ is the center of my life, my all, my everything. Consume me from the inside out, Lord.
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
Because the cry of my heart is to bring you praise. To love the Lord with ALL of my heart, ALL of my soul, ALL of my mind, and ALL of my strength. To live my life for the One who saved me, who pursued me, who bought me for a price – His life – who continues to pick me up when I fall, who continues to reach out His hand to call me back when I have walked away. Whose grace is enough for me.
When I left praise team practice, I was still weary, worn, and in need of a friend. My week was still tough. My year still rough. But I walked away with a reminder that no matter how many times I have failed, His mercies remain. That the Lord of the Universe is who I am living for, and His will is perfect. That He is in control. And I am not.
The cry of my heart is to bring You praise.
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.