I’ve had this browser window open all day, trying to find the words to say.  I’ve had so many things occupying my thoughts today and I don’t know if I can even begin to put some of them into words.  But, here’s to trying.

I’ve been on my knees a lot lately.  And that’s where I should be, all the time.  But too often, we only find ourselves on our knees, crying out to God when things are difficult.  I’m as guilty of it as the next person.  It’s taken a lot of crap from this life to drive me to my knees this time, and perhaps if I’d been there all along, I wouldn’t be so surprised.

Over the past few months, I’ve been struggling to resist the lies that the devil has been feeding me: You’re not good enough to lead a Bible study – there are so many more capable than you.  You’re not good enough to lead worship on Sundays or at the Women’s retreat in May – you can’t do this.  You’re not good enough to be accepted, loved, respected, or even liked – why would anyone care about you.  You’re not good enough to be an encouragement to anyone – for goodness sakes, you don’t have it all together, you don’t have anything together.  You’re not good enough to be alive – everyone would be better off if you weren’t.

These lies and others have driven me to my knees more times than I can count in the last few months.  And admitting that I have believed them has driven me to spend even longer on my knees, crying out to my Father.  Father in heaven, take these lies away, replace them with your truths.  Lord, help me not to believe these lies again.  I thought I was stronger than that.  Daily, hourly, I cried to God asking Him to take these lies away, to fill the space with His word, His truth.  And He did, every time.  But it’s been a continuing battle, and will continue to be so.

You’re my child, He says.  And I have given you this Bible study to lead humbly, and alongside others who see things that you don’t.  I have given you this worship to lead because I will be seen through it.  You are accepted, loved, respected, and liked – by many people, not the least of whom is me.  You have so much to give to others, and you give encouragement even when you aren’t feeling encouraged yourself.  You don’t have to have it all together – I shine much brighter through you when you don’t.  And clearly you’re good enough to be alive, because I haven’t called you home yet.  You, my child, are loved.

I will continue to be driven to my knees, day after day, month after month, and year after year.  Even after these lies have ceased and others surface, I will still be driven to my knees.  Because my Heavenly Father is truth.  He is love.  And I need that desperately.