I struggle to find the balance on this page with honesty and encouragement, CF and science, struggles and joys, happiness and brokenness.  Today is one of the honest-struggle-brokenness-linked with CF posts.  You have been warned.

I had a long time to think on my drive home last weekend – close to 10 hours, to be exact.  And these were a few things I thought about.

Visibility:

I’ve often felt invisible in large groups of people.  I am not the first to be noticed, unless I cough (and then people move away from me or ask if I’m always sick).  I am not the first to strike up a conversation with people I don’t know.  They generally don’t start up conversations with me either.  I don’t often have an alcoholic beverage in my hand, which makes me part of the minority.  I often feel like I am not being seen.  Even within groups of old friends, such as this weekend, I did not feel seen.  Especially when the men sitting on either side of me were so vocal with who they thought looked hot or wore the shortest skirt (direct quote: “Now there’s a beautiful woman.”).   I felt like I was being looked through, invisible.   And, it hurt, especially coming from my friends, who didn’t even notice me.

Notice:

Consequent to those and other comments from my friends, it got me thinking.  What does it take to get noticed, even in a room full of Christian men?  Is it the short skirts, the blonde hair, the blue eyes, the dazzling smile?  The flirtatious attitudes or the low-cut tops?  What does it take to get a smile or a wave, someone to tell you that you look nice?  Perhaps it is just me (although I doubt it) but I think that all women need to be told that they are beautiful (especially when they don’t think they are).

But is what I look like what I want to be noticed for?  That may be the first thing many men people see, but there’s more to me than how I look on the outside.  On the inside, I am broken and a sinner, but I have been saved.  I am insecure, but God is my security.  I am exhausted, but God is my strength.  I am self-conscious, I don’t like people to talk about what they think I’ve done or how great it is.  I am lonely.  I am not shaken by whatever comes my way, on the outside.  On the inside I am falling apart.  On the inside I need to be glued back together, but outwardly I look like i have it all together.  Yes, I am complicated, but I am so much more than you see on the outside,.

I have been listening to a song non-stop for most of this post, and I think now is a good time to share it with you.

I’ve had a lot come my way through fire and pouring rain, and I have not let it shake me.  I have not been shaken by my CF, its challenges and difficulties, in fact God has used it for so much good that I can’t see my life any other way.  And yet, a little thing like being noticed has knocked me off my unshakable foundation for a bit.  God is my rock, I trust in Him.  I know his timing is best, I know that He holds me in His plan.  I know that whatever tomorrow brings, I will praise Him.

So what do we do about this world, about needing to be loved, seen, noticed?  Do we wear the short skirts, low tops, dye our hair?  Do we flirt and act like someone we’re not?  Do we hide our true feelings, our vulnerability?  I think part of the answer lies in how we see ourselves.

When I look into the mirror, I don’t see beautiful.  I don’t see strong, confident, or fearless.  I don’t see unshakable.  I don’t see what God sees.  I don’t see what I am to Him.  I don’t even see what others see.  All I see are the imperfections, the flaws, the problems.  On the really good days, i see a child of God who has been saved by grace and who is trying to live each day to the fullest.  On the mediocre days, I see a child of God who is very very flawed and in need of grace.  On the bad days, I see a mess of a person who is not worth the light of day.  On the very bad days, I see nothing.  And that’s something God and I are working on.  It’s a long process of pulling up the roots of insecurity and replacing them with the promises of God that take root.  This insecurity is brought out by others’ comments and circumstances.  This insecurity is deeply rooted.  This insecurity says that I am not good enough, that no one could love me because of my sickness.  This insecurity says that there is something wrong with me because I don’t have the things that others have.  This insecurity says that I am invisible and that I am not beautiful.

I don’t want to see myself in the mirror as the world sees me.  I want to see myself as God sees me.  What do you see on the good days, the bad days when you look in the mirror?  If you’re anything like me, pray with me that we would become women of God who see ourselves as He made us: in His image.

Lord I am broken, heal me.  Lord I am weak, strengthen me.  Lord I am lost, find me.  Lord I am a sinner, give me grace.  Oh Lord I need you.  Lord I want to see myself the way you see me.  Help me to overcome my unbelief and my insecurities and be deeply rooted in you.