Once again, it’s past time for bed and I can’t turn my mind off.  Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me that I don’t need as much sleep as I think I do…

At any rate, tonight I’ve been pondering lots of things – from my meeting with a funding group comprised of CF parents and doctors and researchers today, to Boston to prayer to the song I’m listening to right now, Glorious Day by Casting Crowns.  I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about what I’m supposed to be doing.

That may sound like a strange statement from someone who has signed on to five years in a PhD program, and don’t get me wrong – I think that this is part of what what I’m called to be doing right now or I wouldn’t have moved back to the Midwest to pursue a PhD.  But I’ve been faced lately with other things that I could be doing that could make a difference to so many people.

Particularly after today’s meeting, I’m struck by the impact I could have, not in my own strength, and not by what I’ve done, but by what Christ has done through me and through my CF.  The ability He’s given me to sing praises despite the circumstances.  The chance I have to write to encourage others.  The people I have the chance to impact by telling my story, honest struggles and triumphant victories.  The opportunity I have to make an impact in the CF community through research.

I grew up at a young age – I was faced with the brevity of life, but faced it with faith.  Faith that God has a plan for my life, no matter how long or how short.  Faith that He would call me where I would be used for His glory.  Faith that He has a purpose for my CF.  I can’t sit here and say that my faith has not wavered over the years.  I have days when I wonder if God has forgotten about me down here, when I question why, when I struggle with things.  But He is still here, standing by me, carrying me when necessary.  He still has a plan for me, and He will never leave me.

So what am I called to do?  Where can I best serve?  How can I best be used?  Do I try to focus on my research and nothing else?  Do I try to write a book that could encourage many?  Do I try to record songs that could be played and encourage people?

So what do I do?  Continue fading into the background  because there are too many people already caught up in their own lives and struggles who don’t need to worry about me too?  Wait for God’s timing in finding someone to share my life with?  Go about my daily life with my walls up, attentive to others and their struggles but not willing to share my own?  Or do I willingly step into a recording studio, spend time writing when I’m not in the lab or class, start speaking out in the community?

I don’t propose to do these things tomorrow, nor do I want to rush into anything.  It’s just what’s on my mind right now.  But I do want to keep the verse  below in mind (Ephesians 2:8-9).  It is not in my strength that I could even imagine doing these things.  It is not for me that I would do these things or continue to do what I am doing (research and blogging).  I do it so that someone else’s faith can be strengthened, that they can be encouraged by what God has done in my life.  I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers as I consider what God is calling me to do right now, alongside pursuing my graduate degree.

 ^“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.”