I’d imagine that anyone out there has voiced these questions at some point in their lives, but for me (and others like me) they take a slightly different turn.

My pchem professor began class at 6:55 this morning by asking us (a group of five juniors and seniors) what we would measure as a successful life.  Our responses were quite profound for it being that early in the morning.  Some people said that they saw it as having a steady income and a family, others said that they knew the ‘sunday school’ or ‘worldly’ answers.  I responded by saying this: “I want to make someone else’s life better than my own.”

For a long time now, I’ve thought about what I wanted my life to count for and what I want people to say about me when I’m gone.  I’ve thought about my motivations of going into research and what I hope to accomplish by doing  so.  I’ve thought about the people I want to impact and those who come after me who will have CF.  I’d never wish this life on anyone, but if it has to happen, I want them to live a better life than I have.  For me, that reality comes through research and development of drugs and gene therapies and new innovations not yet known.  I hope that I’m able to see the fruits of my labor in science, but I know that that may not be possible, in fact, it’s unlikely.  Research takes so long to get down the pipeline, so realistically, I will never know what success looks like here.

So many questions have bounced around in my head for weeks, months now, really.  Am I going to be able to do research after grad school?  Am I even going to be healthy enough to do what I love?  Especially after this last summer, I’ve been questioning alot about my life, my goals, the limits of my health, and my dreams.  Yeah, I’d love to be able to fall in love with someone and have a family.  I’d love to be able to have a job that I love, a career that brought me fulfillment.  I’d love to be able to have meaningful friendships that enhance both my life and my friend’s life.  I’d love to be able to dream big and to even hope for 20 or even 30 years in the future.

But I can’t.  There’s something in my head that stops me from hoping for any of this.  There’s something that puts up a brick wall so fast that I don’t know what hit me.  That wall becomes the great wall of china, and it feels like it wraps around my entire life so tightly that I can’t even turn around.  I can’t even hope for a family knowing what boys have told me in the past and how they’ve hurt me.  They’ve made me question if anyone could ever love me.  I can’t hope for a job that I love and can succeed at when there are so many barriers standing in my way , not the least of which is health.  I have meaningful friendships now, but after college?  From past experience, they’re just going to go off and save the world from destruction and forget all about me.  I can’t hope for the future because I can’t see past tomorrow.  I can’t hope for 20 or 30 more years knowing the statistics of life expectancy.

So what?  Do I give up and leave it all to other people?  Or do I fight to break down that wall one brick at a time?  There are some days that I want to give up, many days that I don’t think I can do it.  But God is always there to provide encouragement and sustain me.  Even when I don’t feel like I can do it, even when I question his purpose for my life, even when I hit the great wall of china again and again, God is there.  And it’s not easy every day to thank him and praise him for giving me life.  But as long as I am here, I’ll keep going and live every day to its fullest potential.  I’ll step outside of myself and make someone else’s life better not by science, but by an encouraging word or a helpful hand.

Praise be to God, who is amazing and powerful, and whose worth is not defined by my success on this earth, but by what he has already done for us.

Stronger, by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain’t right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you’re asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don’t hang your head
It’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even if it’s hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you …

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even when you just can’t feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

‘Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I’m sure that He’s gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
In time it’s gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger